#anyway i have severance and unemployment benefits

[celiaelise]

Helloooo I have been avoiding posting about this but I think it's reaching a form of denial so I figured I'd better rip the bandaid off 🙃

I got fired the weeks ago!! I am now unemployed!

I'm pretty bummed about it. I liked my workplace a lot, and I liked most of the people I worked with a lot, too! There are several people I've become pretty good friends with, and, while some have shown a willingness to continue being friends, I know it won't be at all the same as casually seeing them at work several times a week.

Finances are a concern, but not a huge concern. I have a little bit of savings, and my family helps me out when I need it. (I can also probably get unemployment if I ever get around to applying for it)

That does bring me to what is possibly the most stressful part of this for me right now, which is that I still haven't told any of my family. At one point, a few months ago, I mentioned to my dad that I'd been written up for attendance, and he was basically like, "yeah, you should stop being late. There's literally no benefit to being late." Which is so frustrating, because obviously i KNOW THAT!!!! I don't have poor attendance because I think it's cool and fun and good!! In fact, almost every shift I was late to or missed, I was hating myself for it the whole time it was happening. So, yeah, I'm pretty sure he's gonna ask what happened, and, if I decide to answer honestly, I'll have to try an explain how sometimes I just do no-call/no-shows in accident, by, like, oversleeping by a LOT, and then lying in bed for six hours, thinking about how I need to get up and get dressed, or, at the very least, call in to say I can't make it, but not doing either of those things because anxiety and executive dysfunction have me by the throat.

And then he's not really going to understand, and it's going to be horribly, horribly awkward and embarrassing. He's consistently demonstrated throughout my life a lack of sympathy for people who struggle with mental illness, or who deems unintelligent. Though it seems like his fatherly love historically overrides such biases, it's still, like, not encouraging. Also I admit that I have an inflated sense of the importance of my father's opinion, but also he, like, pays my bills, so.

My mom's a little less complicated in that my reasons for not wanting to tell her this are the same as for not wanting to tell her most things about myself that I withhold: she always does too much, and she'll remember it forever.

I feel like the best case scenario is that everyone agrees Elise is Unwell and Needs Help, which sounds unbearable and idk how productive help would even be from that quarter.

Anyway, I was gonna say more about this topic, and I'm sure I will later, but I'm getting tired lol. But hopefully, now that I've broken the seal, it will be easier to vent about it here.

[nerdragenewvegas]

A Well Timed Scandal - Update

Chapter 12: Ain't That a Kick in the Head? [LINK]

Cooper Howard x Reader, pre-war Hollywood setting, kinda slow burn, Cooper Howard is horny & it makes him feel guilty.

CN: Drugging (drink spiking, but kinda dubconny,) almost dub-con, discussion and themes of abuse, a good old fashioned beatdown.

『“Hold on— who gave that sunnavabitch a goddamned table?!” Frank slams his palm down on the front desk of The Tops, making the concierge jump, to which he immediately makes an apologetic gesture with his free hand. “I could’ve sworn I banned that bastard months ago!”

If there’s anything about Frank Sinatra that Cooper can attest to, it’s that he has a temper on him that’s almost unmatched. But, to his credit, Frank does, at the very least, try to reserve his ‘moments’ for things that really deserve it — at least over the last few years, anyway. It’s definitely something that has its benefits, Cooper can admit. Despite the outbursts, Cooper struggles to think of a woman in the business that has a bad word to say about him, including Marilyn; so if Frank Sinatra thinks Dean Domino is too predatory to be allowed inside his casino’s nightclub? Cooper considers that a serious and grave indication of the severity of the situation.

“I don’t know, Frank,” Marilyn responds, her tone gentle, almost like she’s trying to soothe a spooked horse. Honestly, it’s not so different. “But— look, it doesn’t matter— is she staying here?”

“Who?” He asks. “Domino?” He scoffs at this. “He’d better not be, or someone’s spending tomorrow morning in line for unemployment.” Frank pauses and nods at the concierge. “Not you, Ruth, I know you wouldn’t.”

“Ms Honeywell,” Marilyn corrects.

“Right, right, Cooper’s girl,” he pauses, nodding to Cooper, “heard about all that, by the way. I know an excellent divorce attorney if you’re after one.” He turns his attention back to Ruth the concierge. “Is Ms Honeywell staying with us?” He asks.

The three watch as Ruth types away at her terminal, her brows knitted together as she reads. “Mmmm… I’m afraid I don’t have anyone under that name staying in the suites, Mr Sinatra,” she says. “Although we do have a reservation for two for a Ms Honeywell at The Aces tonight. Comped by Mr Davis—“

“Christ’s sake, Sam,” Frank exhales under his breath, squeezing his eyes shut and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Cooper’s jaw tenses, eager to get out of there and keep looking. “Any idea where Dean might have put her?” He asks.

Frank shrugs, throwing his hands up. “How should I know what hole he crawled into when I kicked him out?”』

[lookslikedaylight]

i live with my parents because rent is too expensive to live by yourself in the city and i don’t have any friends that i could rent a place with and i couldn’t even afford it anyways cause im a wage slave in retail and i work at corporate one day a week doing admin which hints at a full time permanent role but who knows when that would ever materialize and i’ve been excepted to finished my degree (expensive) at a school on the east coast but id have to quit this job that could potentially lead to a full time one with good benefits for 3 years studying textile arts which would make me just as unemployable as i am now and i’ve developed chronic loneliness and a severe lack of social skills cause i have zero friends and every night i go to bed stressed due to the lack of shape my life has where ill get money to live and that people falling in love and laughing and feeling joy and purpose and i want all that but im finding it hard to see a future it’s not supposed to be this way

[beardedmrbean]

Helsingin Sanomat tells readers that the widespread political strikes in Finland starting Monday will effectively halt freight traffic and disrupt fuel distribution for two weeks. The strikes, which hit ports severely, will hamper Finland's export industries such as technology, forestry and metals.

At the same time, the action now beginning will further increase the toll of strikes on the Finnish economy. It is impossible to give an exact figure, but the Confederation of Finnish Industries (EK), for example, estimates that recent strikes have already cost Finland well over a billion euros.

HS interviewed three strikers for a Monday morning feature.

The paper says that recent statements by Prime Minister Petteri Orpo (NCP), in which he stressed that the government will not compromise on the basic line of its plans to limit the right to strike and will expand local labour agreements, make workers' representatives see red.

"First of all, the right to strike will be restricted, which means that we would not be able to strike against government decisions. We would be deprived of the means to influence the situation," says Timo Mällinen, the chief shop steward at SSAB's steelworks in Raahe.

According to Mällinen, it is great that Finland enjoys democracy, and the freedom of opinion that goes with it. He says that he fears that the government's decisions are eroding democracy piece by piece.

Employers have argued that with these strikes, workers are shooting themselves in the foot and causing more unemployment.

For example, Ilkka Oksala, director for work and social affairs for the Confederation of Finnish Industries, told HS in early February that "employees are endangering the financial sustainability of their own companies and thus their own jobs".

The same message has since been repeated several times by employers.

According to Mällinen, the employer side has been making the same point for decades when they have wanted to voice opposition to strikes.

"Employer propaganda. The companies that go bankrupt because of this strike are hardly viable anyway," Mällinen counters.

Pasi Boehm, who heads the union chapter representing stevedores in Helsinki, argues that strikes in countries such as France and Germany are much more frequent than in Finland and have not caused unemployment there.

Sami Ryynänen, chief shop steward at Neste's Porvoo refinery, told Helsingin Sanomat that the strikes will continue as long as necessary. And at least so far, workers have shown strong support for the strikes.

All three of the union activists interviewed by the paper are in full agreement that any solution to the the impass will require negotiations.

"I hope that common sense will prevail and things would be resolved by agreement. Agreement will produce much more sustainable and workable solutions than government dictates," says Ryynänen.

Resisting government policies

Ilta-Sanomat writes that trade unions have been on a collision course with the government since last autumn.

The unions have already opposed changes to labour legislation by striking on several occasions over the past few months. The first round of strikes this year took place at the end of January and beginning of February.

Trade unions were outraged last summer when the government issued a list of ways it wanted to change labour legislation in its government programme.

The papers lists some of the most contentious plans by the government, starting from cuts to unemployment benefits and making the first day of sick leave unpaid, as well as changing the law to make it easier for employers to dismiss workers.

Another sore point for unions is that the government programme undermines national collective agreements by stating that local agreements will be allowed in all companies. The aim is to extend local agreements by removing certain prohibitions on local agreements in current labour law.

Additionally, IS points out, the government wants to limit the right to carry out sympathy strikes. If passed, government plans would redefine legal industrial action as that which is "reasonable in relation to the objectives pursued and whose effects are limited to the parties to the labour dispute".

The right to political industrial action will also be restricted. Government plans would limit the duration of political strikes to only one day.

Hard on the economy

Iltalehti points out that 96 percent of Finland's foreign trade passes through the ports that are being hit by the strikes that started Monday morning.

It writes that according to a preliminary estimate by the Confederation of Finnish Industries, the two-week strike will cause 320 million euros in damage to Finland's gross domestic product.

The strikes may cause disruptions in the distribution of fuel. Iltalehti refers to a statement to by the Industrial Union saying that petrol stations and airports will run out of fuel as a result of the strike. Retailers, on the other hand, expect there may be shortages at individual petrol stations. A possible spike in demand could also have a knock-on effect on fuel prices.

According to the National Emergency Supply Agency of Finland, the strike will not have a significant impact on the security of supply. It says that the availability of jet fuel is likely to be a challenge, but there is unlikely to be a need for any drastic measures.

Grocery chains say that the strike may affect the availability of individual products on store shelves. Overall, food shelves should not be empty because of the strike.

The strike may also indirectly affect domestic production, which uses raw materials or packaging materials imported from abroad. However, urgent consignments of goods can be delivered to Finland even while stevedores are on strike, by using special equipment to unload ships.

Buckle up, use hands-free

Savon Sanomat is among the papers carrying a STT Finnish news agency report that police will step up enforcement on the use of seat belts and the use of mobile phones in traffic this week.

According to a study published last autumn, seat belt use could have saved more than half of the deaths in motor traffic accidents in Finland between 2017 and 2021. During those years, a total of 198 people died in motor vehicle accidents in the country.

Police are reminding motorists that not wearing a seat belt can lead to a 70 euro fine or, in the worst case, the cost one's life or the life of someone else.

In addition to the use of seat belts, police will also be on the look out for drivers not paying attention to vehicle operation. The law says that mobile phones and other devices must not be used in a way that interferes with or endangers driving and that includes holding and using a mobile phone while driving.

Rain, sleet and snow

As Iltalehti notes, the weekend offered us a taste of sunny spring weather.

Over the next couple of days, we should still be able to enjoy moderately cool weather and sunshine, but there will be a change mid-week.

The paper points to a fresh forecast by Foreca, according to which skies will cloud up on Wednesday, bringing rain, snow and sleet around the country.

There will be light scattered showers throughout the latter part of the week, coming down in the form of rain in the south, snow in the north, and a mix of snow and sleet in central regions.

[scr33ch1ng]

I am attempting to lose weight because of my severe chronic pain. I want to do this fast, because I am very desperate. I know it's risky. But anyways, it is pretty annoying that weight loss / calorie restriction/ed is owned by mostly girls who want to be thin and waifish and frail and all have the same aesthetic and think being fat is disgusting.

Because of my condition, I cannot do cardio or exercise constantly, as it would destroy my joints. It's very annoying! I work out as much as possible, but it is honestly not much. I also have many other things to do. I am not a high schooler.

Therefore , food reduction seems like the only effective choice, since I'm already on a gluten free, minimal dairy, plant based, no red meat diet. And I am still overweight! My weight has not changed since making these diet changes . At all. I have been doing a lot of strength/ resistance training, which my partner suggests that I have more muscle now. As far as I can observe this seems to be the case.

My joints have marginally been improved by this change, since I do not wear joint braces around the house everyday like I used to.

I actually love being fat and soft, but at this point I feel like I have no choice, and I hate the loss of autonomy. I cannot get unemployment benefits, I have only 200 dollars to my name, and I have to wait a year to hear from the disability office. I do have food stamps, which is why I haven't been starving (this would not help with weight loss, since this would make me eat whatever is cheapest, which are the least healthy options. Yay America!)

All this to say, I want to lose at least 20 pounds and see how I feel. My ultimate goal for losing weight is to see if it reduces my joint pain enough that I can work again .

So I wish I had a sort of community to help with that, but it seems that none exist that are appealing to me. I have been looking at [REDACTED] for meal ideas and a sort of motivation, but that's about it.

[hackedintucson]

Internal Revenue Service (IRS)

I have always worked and paid my income taxes. Even when I was day trading on the side, I was honest and paid. One year I owed the IRS over $12,000 from day trading. The amount was higher than I expected and largely due to my short holding period. I setup a payment plan with the IRS and paid what I owed in about a year.

For the 2019 tax year, the IRS owed me about $600. Unfortunately, the “back office” group at Fidelity Investments closed my checking account shortly after I filed by income tax returns. I never received the federal refund from the IRS since my checking account was closed. The State of California mailed sent me a large refund for 2019.

I called the IRS multiple times even when I was homeless trying to straighten things out but was unsuccessful. They require your tax year Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) and refund amount to prove my identity. I was unable to do this because I didn’t have the tax return and didn’t remember my login password to Tax Free USA. I called them but they couldn’t help me reset my password,

So the State of California sent me $14,000 In unemployment benefits. Evidently, they were supposed to have sent this to me a year prior but I don’t complete a form or something. I find some of the simplest things difficult to understand after being hit by a gangstalkers car. My jaw was broken and I hit my head pretty hard. I honestly don’t have any recollection of being hit by a car or the surgery to try to fix it. I woke up at my parents house with no idea how I got there or what I was doing there. There was a nerve they had to cut and as a result I have no feeling in my chin or lower lip. It doesn’t hurt anymore and my jaw seems to stay in place now. Anyway…

So I just talked to the IRS and they are going to send me some PIN number so I can file my tax return for 2023. I filed it the other day but it was rejected by the IRS and State of Arizona. They also gave me the phone number for the IRS at the federal building in downtown Tucson. I had an appointment there a while ago but they called me and cancelled it. I need to call them again and setup a new appointment to verify my identity. I just need to show them my Arizona picture identification card and social security card.

About three years ago everything I owned in the world was stolen from me; you name it they took it. From my California drivers license to my United States passport; all my credit /debit cards as well as paper checks for my Fidelity checking account, a couple of personal laptops, several iPhones and Bose Bluetooth headphones were stolen along with my suitcase in front of the Ka Quinta hotel on N Alvernon. I became homeless on this day as you are unable to rent a hotel room in Tucson, Arizona without picture identification.

I had never really been homeless in my life and well I am a better person from the experience, even though it was let’s just say physical painful at times as well as mentally the toughest thing I’ve been through. The weather in Tucson can be very extreme; both hot and cold. The gangstalking, sound and electricity along with non-stop sirens from police, paramedics and fire trucks and the ever present eyes in the sky here with the military jets and C-130s. Not to mention the moving satellites or whatever they are in the night sky. I used to see a lot of odd things in the sky both during the daytime and night. I have also seen some of the most amazing ice sculptures in the sky. Sometimes I think it is either the military or the university which creates these things. Whoever they are, they try to communicate with me but I am not sure if I understand everything. The best way I can describe it is they put thoughts into my head which aren’t mine. I experience a lot of what feels like Deja Vu. They tell me often that I am the enemy of the earth which just isn’t true. I don’t hate anyone or anything. I am doing the best I can to mind my own business and add positive things to the world rather than just taking from it.

I never believed in God before I came to Tucson. We never went to church when I was growing up. We were too busy trying to make a better life. I thought God was good for people though. I thought Hof provided comfort for people who wanted to know their loved ones were in a good place after they die. They tell me God is very angry at me and has finally gotten around to dealing with me. He isn’t happy with me and is allowing negative things to happen to me even though he doesn’t necessarily agree with what others are doing to me. Anyways…something like that

[lesbianistically]

rambling but one frustrating thing out of many of this whole autism/unemployment/burnout situation is being told that it probably would be pointless seeking a formal diagnosis bc essentially I wouldn’t be classified as “severe enough” to be eligible for any benefits bc you have to to probe you’re unable to work for at least 2 years. Complete bs esp when finding a job is impossible anyway bc it’s all 1) jobs that require qualifications I dont have (studying isn’t an option for me I will fall apart again) 2) jobs that very unsuitable for me (burnout again likely) 3) ????????????? they just ignore you??????? Point being I actually dont know WHAT I can do but I guess I can appear to function normally enough that I dont deserve financial support 🤷🏻‍♀️

[irisseireth]

I feel like I just left a toxic relationship

[rhys-ravenfeather]

Off now.

I actually had a pretty good day, all things considered?!

For one thing, I slept a LOT better than I thought I would last night, which was nice. I also met with my financial advisor, explained my situation to her, and we agreed to start meeting with the rest of my team again to start looking for new jobs. Until then though, I was able to take a couple steps to take care of myself until something else comes up...apply for unemployment benefits, sign the severance agreement from my old job to get the payment from them...so hopefully soon I should have a little more money coming my way soon to help me along.

All the same, fingers crossed that I’m able to find something sooner rather than later...

Outside of that, I was able to start on a birthday drawing for a friend, read one of the latest chapters of a fanfic I started reading some time back and for some reason was never alerted to by AO3 when the new chapters came out...all in all, once I was able to get myself secured, and come up with a plan, the day was okay.

Anyway, quick shout-out to people like @thenightjillcamehome, @trying-my-best-always, @pure-vanilla-lilies, and @winged-wolf-s-collection-of-arts, for checking out and reblogging my latest projects. That really meant a lot with everything going on, guys :)

Welp, I’ll see you guys when I see you.

[stilesgivesmefeels]

My Buddie family feels for quarantine

I’ve seen a several posts going around where Christopher stays with Abuela during quarantine because of the concerns about CP and COVID complications, and Eddie stays with Buck.

And I love those head canons!

But I have a slightly different take.  I think that Eddie is absolutely terrified of what could happen if he brings home COVID to Chris but he knows that having Chris full-time would be too much for Abuela, even if Pepa stayed with them.  Pepa has to work from home and couldn’t help that much and would need quiet for the dreaded zoom calls.  

Eddie even contemplates asking his parents to come to LA or sending Chris to them.  But he is absolutely terrified that he would never get Chris back.  What if he sends Chris away and they sue?  Would a judge give his special needs son back to a single father with a dangerous job who sent his son away??? He’s really spinning with these thoughts.

He can’t afford Carla full-time and she has other clients that she works with anyway.  Clients that are elderly and in nursing homes.  Eddie’s worried.  Just all around worried.  And he doesn’t see a way out with anyone else.

So he starts looking in to family medical leave (FMLA). But even with that he wouldn’t make enough money to cover tuition (even with the scholarship he still has to pay some) and all of Chris’s therapies.  (Even though those therapies are mostly moving to online now it’s still expensive.  Carla seriously helped A LOT with figuring out payments and funding.  But this is America.  That shit ain’t free.). Not to mention his rent.  He’s hoping that rent help will come form the state but at the beginning he can’t be sure.  

Buck comes over one day to find Eddie practically tearing his hair out.  He knows that he has to make a decision in the next 24 hours before it becomes too late.  Northern California has already moved to shelter-in-place and he knows that LA County will be following suit soon.  That’s when Eddie tells Buck that he’s going to have to take FMLA *and* move with Chris back to El Paso, at least temporarily while all this is happening.  He won’t be getting paid because he doesn’t have furlough/sick leave built up.  But Chris will still have health insurance benefits.

Buck is freaking out.  Eddie’s basically quitting and moving away with Christopher? WHAT THE FUCK? He can’t let that happen.

Now, see I fully head canon that Buck and Maddie come from money.  Their parents are rich enough to have their kids whims met but cold enough that no emotional needs were ever met. Hence, Maddie’s shitty marriage and Buck’s desperation for validation.  AND it would explain their sweet-ass apartments in fucking LA on civil servant salaries.  (I’m a teacher in CA, I know of what I speak.). 

So Buck has a trust fund that he basically never touches beyond a little for a nice apartment and when he bought his car.  And secretly pays part of Carla’s salary.  And when he bought and built the skateboard.  But anyway!  Buck is willing to do anything to keep Eddie and Chris with him.  So his first inclination is to just throw money at Eddie.

But Eddie doesn’t want his money!  And anyway that won’t work because if the COVID crisis lasts too long then Eddie might need to quit.  And the unemployment insurance isn’t the same as what he currently has.  And [I don’t know something about grants and funds for Chris’s therapies and tuition because he’s a county/city employee and if he goes on leave then he won’t get it. I’m just making all this shit up here but roll with it].  Even if Eddie went on leave and moved to El Paso it won’t alleviate the problems OR his fear that his parents will take Christopher away.

That’s when Buck has his brilliant idea!  HE CAN TAKE LEAVE!  He can take unpaid leave and will be fine.  Buck will stay with Christopher at Eddie’s place and Eddie can stay at Buck’s place.

Just picture Eddie’s face as it goes from angry at his lack of options to confused at What the hell is Buck talking about to the heart eyes at this mother fucking savior who loves his kid that much!

So that’s how Buck ends up taking care of Christopher.  They FaceTime Eddie every single night without fail.  And will even have Sunday pancakes together.  Buck sets up a card table at the end of the driveway and Eddie’s eats there while Buck and Chris eat on the front porch.  Don’t worry!  Buck uses gloves and lots of bleach on the table every time he touches it.  Chris loves LOVES loves being with his Buck but he misses his dad every day.  But Buck is good at giving him hugs and letting him cry it out.  Because tears are okay and so is feeling sad.  We just have to acknowledge our feelings and make room for the good feelings with the bad ones.

Eddie and Buck talk on the phone every night after Chris’s FaceTime call with Eddie.  And there’s other plot feelings that will happen here.  [Insert blah blah blah]

Maybe Eddie accidentally finds Buck’s dildo.  Whoops!  And maybe, just maybe this leads to a sexy, flirty conversation about being bi (both of them).  And then perhaps we get some phone sex.

But nothing else changes at first!  Buck thinks maybe this is just another part of this whole quarantine thing.  He can’t go out and find anyone.  Eddie can’t go out and find anyone.  And he loves their talks at the end of each day.  Now they come with bonus orgasms.  Woot!  EVEN BETTER!

Then maybe they move from phone sex to FaceTime sex.  And that’s even better!  Because now Buck can see how Eddie bites his lip right before he comes.  And Eddie loves the way Buck flushes all down his neck and chest.

Eventually some feelings talk starts to slip in.  Buck isn’t just good at listening and comforting Chris when he cries.  But Eddie breaks too.  He just misses his son so much and wants to hug him and feel his soft curls.  He wants to hug Buck.  This is just so lonely.  He’s still working and with the 118 but it isn’t the same without Buck, without Christopher’s smile at the beginning of every day.

And then, eventually, the shelter-in-place is lifted and Eddie can come home!  But maybe Buck should stay a few more nights for Christopher’s sake.  Yeah, of course.  For Christopher.  And he’s just so used to sleeping in Eddie’s bed.  So he should stay there, right?

Insert sexy-times here.

YAY relationship and love confessions!

And then the second wave hits.  And Buck doesn’t even hesitate to take a leave of absence to care for Chris again.  Only this time he’s out of leave.  He doesn’t care about getting paid (because of trust fund).  But he’ll lose his benefits (because of America).  So Eddie proposes!  Buck says no at first because he doesn’t want to get married for convenience purposes.  So Eddie has to find his words which is still not easy for Eddie.  Luckily, Chris is adorable and helps them both out!

So MARRIAGE!  Benefits for all!  Buck officially has rights to Christopher if anything happens to Eddie!  Eddie has his husband and his son and they love each other!  Happy ending for all, especially once a vaccine is invented and it works and anti-vaxxers don’t exist so yay!  Everything works out.

And this is my not-fic that maybe I will fully write one day.  But really I like to just thought-spew my fic ideas.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Hello tumblr,

Boy, it’s been a moment or two. I haven’t left tumblr by any means really in the last year and a half, but it became less a part of my life when I moved to Portland two years ago and got involved with people and had a social life there for awhile and a love life and now I am 30. I started tumblr at 22. I was so much more naive. I’m sorry to all the folks who wanted to keep reading my life story. I do swear that I will get back to it someday, but even rereading it I see things I left out and perspectives I forced on my audience when I could have left the truth more open. I don’t stand by some of the values I had even two years ago.It’s not bad, but I feel like it needs to be gone over. It’s been suggested by people that I shouldn’t do that, but I have a strong sense that I know what I should do.

I’ve been feeling the weight of time and limitations of health both mental and physical, financial and just the circumstances of living in an environmentally unsustainable late stage capitalism position where I can bank on nothing and so much is up in the air. And I know I’m still young, but not that young anymore. I missed out on a lot in my twenties and I know I won’t get a lot of that back. And I don’t feel like I can plan ahead. I feel very trapped, enormously lonely and isolated. I know it’s eating at me all the time, but I feel like acknowledging it (as I am ironically doing it now), makes It bigger and more painful. But it’s getting to the point where I have nothing to lose.

I’m in a situation where I have troubled friendships. People who love me and I love them but there are several reasons we can’t be close. I look at the way the world is headed and I have this lack of enthusiasm in me because I feel like people are going to get more isolated and more unhappy and feel empty and deterministically realistic about the lack of prospects of what they can look forward to, I feel like everything is getting unstable and worse. And nobody wants to talk about it, to inspect it or even laugh about it. I see growing trends of fascism, a sense of withdrawing in ones self and into technology that everyone I know is guilty of, myself definitely included, the commodification or gentrification of acts of rebellion or individualist acts that one can take to protest the status quo through art or media. There seems to be no valid way to stop the way the world is headed or what people are doing collectively, or ultimately how to even demonize all but a select few. And even them, as shitty as it is to say, the same rules of the universe that created trees also created Jeff Bezos.

I feel like hedonism gets misunderstood. I consider myself to be a hedonist and I’ve been holding out for a future of excitement or sense of euphoria or positive paradigm shift for about a year now. It started when I lost my job last year, and Went through a semi abusive relationship that left me emotionally drained. I feel like after that I kept getting on my horse and falling off two weeks later. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to lie to myself when I do have minor breakthroughs that I am even improving.

Poverty also got the best of me. I’ve gone through a series of setback after setback and it’s prevented me from even acquiring the sense of relief or letting go or growth even to take on or form enthusiasm about even making myself happy and there is a despair in me beginning to grow that says this is just the way things are now. It’s like I’m just surviving for no reason. I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m also surrounded by people who are very depressed, probably more unhappy than me in some ways, so I’m not about to get any light at the end of the tunnel talk from a friend. I have no doubt that a strong sense of support would probably make worlds of difference but that’s not in the cards right now. Reaching out in my situation would probably cause other people’s misery or misguided outlook on life to rub off on me further. And for that I unfortunately have to put up my walls because I know myself and the chameleon aspects of my personality and other people’s negative coping mechanisms rub off on me.

And see, like on top of all that, COVID hit and that donked up my plans at maybe getting a new job or meeting new people. All the things I could do to reinforce positive new things into my life became impossible. I shut down after coronavirus happened and fell back on some of my old bad habits, which were reinforced by literally the whole world shutting down. I couldn’t fight it if I wanted to, I was living in isolation and frustration and insecurity and even looking around and worrying about all the people who are worse off than me and will be even worse off once their benefits go away or housing is taken makes me sick to my stomach. I’m afraid I am just gonna have to tread some kind of postmodern Great Depression and give up on living my best life.

Something got messed up with my unemployment and it’s been six months and though I claim every week, I don’t have access to any of that money yet and still have to call people constantly to try to correct it. I have over fifteen thousand dollars that I can’t gain access to. I just lost my food stamp benefits. I work eight hours a week which basically just keeps my phone on, and other than that I’ve been making it on no money. I don’t see eye to eye with my roommates, though it’s not personal and nobody really checks up on me. I wonder why sometimes that I am doing anything. What use is it to hope for things that become more and more impossible? And why tread water when I feel like I have no goal I can aim towards? As soon as I get used to the way things are, something new happens that is out of my control, and I am back to square one. I feel like I am shutting down.

Anyway, I am trying to hold out for something better, but more in a sense that I am trying to maintain something. I do have experience with feeling hopeless and empty from my early and mid twenties, which isn’t good but in a way I know that when I moved to Portland I got a beautiful awakening of a life more realized and full and in some way that was so unexpected that, not to sound super cheesy but, it was kind of a second birth for me, and if I was in the muck before and got out, perhaps I can do it again.

I guess I’m back on tumblr with a little more frequency for that very reason. I’m lonely and lost and trapped. Maybe I will do more writing on here and see where that goes. I feel like I could break things down further and get a better grasp of myself if I wrote more. So maybe I will write on here tomorrow. Meh..Who knows? I feel like if I broke my ideas down into topics I could exemplify something or find a deeper truth in the details.

Lastly, and this is semi unrelated but, I’ve been mutual with some of the people on this site for seven years and it trips me out when the notifications say so-and-so likes your post and its been seven years. I am not gonna lie, it is really cool. It kind of makes me feel like tumblr is still kind of a form of ‘home’ to me.

[bomberqueen17]

ugh my stupid W-2s

So I have the issue that somehow, at some point, the payroll company my employer uses got an incorrect social security number for me. I first noticed it several years back, when filing my taxes-- the W-2 had a number on it one digit off from my real SSN, and so I asked my employer to correct it, and then the next year it was still wrong, and I asked them to correct it, and this happened at least three years in a row, maybe four, and it was just one of those things and i didn’t think much about it.

Until, of course, I got furloughed along with the rest of America, and went to get on unemployment, and the Dep’t of Labor was like... You can’t get unemployment if you haven’t worked in the last 18 months. And I was like... ??? I’ve been working at the same place for 11 years??

Oh. They go by SSN, as does basically every thing ever. And like... I don’t know how Social Security actually works, but if the Social Security Whatsit bureau thinks i haven’t had any wages for eleven years now, then am I eligible for social security when I retire? I’ve been paying into the system at every paycheck. 

ARGH

Anyway I’ve been trying to straighten this out since March 20th, and I’ve sent them photocopies of everything, and they sent me a letter that was like “u have never worked” and I sent them back a thing that was like “yes I have here’s all my proof” and i haven’t heard back from that but I figure it was eight weeks to get the first letter and I’d expect like, eight more for the second, but in the meantime...

well, BIL just now called his stepmom who works for Illinois’s Dep’t of Labor, and she was like “ah we have that kind of thing all the time, it takes a while to straighten out but we’d pay the minimum benefit up until then at least.”

I was like.... is the minimum benefit zero because that’s what I’ve been getting. 

Oh, apparently not, so that’s a bummer. Who knows!

She suggested I go to an SSA office in person, which, great, but probably they’re open so I can, so. I should do that, there is one in Troy. But here’s a fun lil wrinkle, I don’t know where my social security card is; my parents had it my whole childhood and I don’t actually know if they ever gave it to me, and if they did, the matter of where I’d’ve put it when I moved out of their house some twenty-five years ago and have moved like eight times since then is a complex one. 

I mean, I also own a passport, but do I have that with me? No, I am 300 miles from my house and haven’t been home in over two weeks, but I wasn’t planning on crossing international borders so all I’ve got on me is my driver’s license.

But I don’t know what to do, and my employer is definitely a big fat pile of No Help Whatsoever in this one. (He was like “payroll company says it’s $50 to send a new W-2, let me know how many of those you want?” and I’m like... is he expecting... me to have fifty dollars... when I have not been paid since March... and if they fix my W-2 does that fix anything at all in my problems? I don’t think it does?)

I went to the SSA website and they were like “create an online account” so I went through the thing and they asked me some astonishingly personal questions (”you had a credit card in 2017, who was the provider” answer: no, “you had an auto loan in 2019, who was the provider?” “... choice C, how did you know that.” “Your middle or former name begins with S, which of these choices is it?” “two were gibberish and one was weird and one was... my actual middle name, interesting.”) and then the page reloaded to the homepage, and I was like... did... that work? So I went to log in and it was like NO ACCOUNT FOUND and then I was like ah no I see, finish creating account, great, and clicked on that and it was like “Enter the verification code we sent you!” 

... I was not sent a verification code, on any of the contact methods I provided when I signed up, unless it’s coming by the fucking postal service??

So that was no help. 

BIL said he was impressed that I don’t seem to have screamed MOTHERFUCKER at any point during all this, and in fact I have not, I have only quietly cried myself to sleep because I don’t understand paperwork and hate numbers and can’t keep things like this straight and it’s a perfect storm of The Shit My ADHD Ass Cannot Fucking Handle, but getting good and mad and yelling cuss words is not something I’m restraining myself from doing because that is not at all my impulse, I think I’m just going to cry quietly in the other room later because that is definitely more my speed here.

*sniffle* why are numbers so terrible to me. It’s not even necessarily about the money? I mean, I haven’t spent any money except on gas since March, I don’t really own anything so it sort of doesn’t matter, but I have literally been paying unemployment insurance and social security for over a decade and I want that to matter in some way? Does nothing matter? I would like to not be so fucking broke but I won’t starve, that’s not the issue, I have immense privilege in that I can just sort of drift endlessly through support networks and not cost anything but at some point I’m going to need to buy myself new underwear and I would dearly love to have my own money to do that with. 

I just. Don’t know. I’ll try again on Monday. Argh. *piteous mumbling*

Adulting doesn’t get easier as you get older, if any of y’all younger than me were wondering. I’d sort of hope age would bring some wisdom but in the department of dealing with government bureaucracies it has in fact not done that at all.

[i-am-scarlet-corsair]

Mun Life Update

Because the storms continue to rage, I am soaked to the skin and sinking fast.

This isn’t your regularly scheduled programming so I apologize for breaking the shadowy glimmer of my muse to vent some very real problems I’m coping with - and really all I’m asking for is some friendly encouragement, some positive vibes sent out into the universe for me, or a simple hello. Aside from feeling disconnected from everything after the decision to leave the Discord server the seas of life has remained consistently rocky and I am just....tired. I have doggedly tried to keep my queue buffed with nautical, pirate, corsair and sea based things yet I worry my energy will bottom out and I might fall off for a while.

I have no intent to desert my post but for any (if there are any) of you concerned from radio silence on my part I thought I would throw out a quick update.

In March of 2020 I became ill with Covid-19. Which very nearly required a hospitalization. Fortune had not entirely deserted me in that aspect so for that I am lucky. Being an immune-compromised individual, several doctors felt it more appropriate for me to attempt to weather this illness outside of a hospital with all my best efforts; which was a task itself. I was sent home with more medication than I wanted to manage myself as well as the very real possibility of my own demise outside of the hospital should I not realize I was actively dying (because, you see, I wasn’t dying *enough* to be admitted to the hospital but I already felt like I was.). Anyway, the fight against the infection was long, and somehow I managed to fend it off by week 8 - but we aren’t counting the damage left in my lungs.

In April 2020 I was the only employee terminated from my company due to the downturn in business brought on by the pandemic. For a long while I thought we were *all* out of work until I later learned they were still working - it was just that the boss couldn’t cover my salary. Picking up the box of my things from the office, my entire near decade career relegated to one small box of things, was a very surreal experience. One that was far more emotional than I care to admit.

Fear not, the government approved a one time stimulus payment and unemployment benefits were increased! Note the sarcasm here because those are all well over and gone now....

I managed to find another job which amidst a pandemic was a struggle and it is barely over 50% of what I was making at my last job. The office culture is less than ideal and it’s been a really big struggle trying to find my footing while surviving on half my income.

Just when I think I might have gotten myself aligned to begin to manage the storm...a rogue wave clips my stern and enter a cataclysmic capsize experience....

Something popped in my back. Often time I tell myself pain is a thing I process I live with. Extreme pain is a thing I process and live with (chronic illness + immune-compromised; you know, if you’re familiar at all...I often live my life on a pain scale of 6 or 7). So I tell myself “Okay, Captain, sleep it off; you’ll be fine.” There was no sleeping, there is no ‘fine’ just pain. Constant and burning pain that made me incapable of any mobility from the spot I happened to end up on the couch. I spent two full days in the hospital and it was a very unpleasant experience (and believe me, I’m compiling malpractice complaints). There are several disks out of place in my lumbar spine - that are bad, but not ‘bad enough’ to require surgery. So here I am again, stuck in bed. With another very long road to recovery...or rather...adequacy again.

Some of you know that around this time of year, I am working as a stunt and stage combat performer for local renaissance festivals. Many of which have been shut down due to Covid-19. The insult to that injury is the very real and very constraining back injury. My frustration is as limitless as the depths of the sea and attempting to process the PR nightmare surrounding my home festival has been no treat either. It’s bizarre to have so many parts of yourself removed or taken from you....I’m not real sure who I am anymore. A strange feeling to process, even worse to swallow.

That and my lease for my current dwelling is expiring soon and my other options are being rejected.

So, folks. I don’t know....the last few months have been a trip. I just wanted to get all of that out I guess. There’s a lot more but at risk of making this post too depressing I’ll probably just end it here.

Maybe the sea will swallow me. Maybe the storms will ease. Who can tell....

[fluffy-marshmallow-heart]

Oh! Losing a job at this time. What an awful trend we have here. It's not your fault and it is normal, anyways, complicates our lifes. Wish you can live the writing life with your savings! Its not only me who likes your writing style, you have chances for standing out! Maybe Choices should hire you xD

Hahaha I don't have much savings, so basically penny pinching 😅 but my husband works and I'm finally starting to see unemployment benefits, so we should be able to stay afloat for a little bit anyway.

I'm glad you like my writing, and I'm excited for this new venture. As for writing for Choices...it's highly doubtful for several reasons 😂😂😂

But thank you for your support!!!